Failure

Disclaimer: The following is not positive. It's honest.

I failed today. What else is new, right? It's rock climbing, all we do is fall. Take this as you will but I'm not used to failing. This is my first time projecting something, mostly because I'm impatient. When I want something I want it immediately, anyone who knows me will tell you that. This climb eludes me. I can't have it immediately.

I'm learning a lot through this process, and when I say "I failed" I don't mean physically, because I felt strong today. It was all in my head. I lost my mental game and it shut me out. I used to walk up to this climb ad feel relaxed, refreshed and calm. Now I walk up feeling anxious and overthinking moves.

Time feels like it's fighting against me. I've been in Bishop for over six weeks yet I've had only nine days on the boulder. I keep having to leave town. I come back and get one or two climbing days and then I have to leave again. My season here has been so interrupted I feel like I need to make every single attempt count and when I can't do that I lose it emotionally, I get angry. This climb was something I was initially so inspired by, and excited about and now it's the biggest frustration in my life. Boo hoo, right? Poor pro climber living the life can't get up their boulder problem. But it's more than that. I've invested everything I am in this. It's not "just rock climbing" anymore. It means something to me I can't describe. And failing hurts.