Failure

Disclaimer: The following is not positive. It's honest.

I failed today. What else is new, right? It's rock climbing, all we do is fall. Take this as you will but I'm not used to failing. This is my first time projecting something, mostly because I'm impatient. When I want something I want it immediately, anyone who knows me will tell you that. This climb eludes me. I can't have it immediately.

I'm learning a lot through this process, and when I say "I failed" I don't mean physically, because I felt strong today. It was all in my head. I lost my mental game and it shut me out. I used to walk up to this climb ad feel relaxed, refreshed and calm. Now I walk up feeling anxious and overthinking moves.

Time feels like it's fighting against me. I've been in Bishop for over six weeks yet I've had only nine days on the boulder. I keep having to leave town. I come back and get one or two climbing days and then I have to leave again. My season here has been so interrupted I feel like I need to make every single attempt count and when I can't do that I lose it emotionally, I get angry. This climb was something I was initially so inspired by, and excited about and now it's the biggest frustration in my life. Boo hoo, right? Poor pro climber living the life can't get up their boulder problem. But it's more than that. I've invested everything I am in this. It's not "just rock climbing" anymore. It means something to me I can't describe. And failing hurts.

Thanks

From today.

"I just pulled up to the parking area. I'm about to head up to try but I feel like I need to get this out now: I have this swelling sense of pride, happiness, and gratitude for so much right now. I feel so supported, by my friends, the community, my sponsors. It's like I have an army of people up there with me even when I'm there alone. It's an amazing feeling that I've never really felt before. I mean, I kind of get it with competitions, but then the weekend is over, and that's it. This is different. This has been weeks of  positive notes, comments and messages; people walking up there with me just so I have some company. My sponsors have been even more supportive than usual, J-Tree made #SiegingTheSwarm stickers, Gnarly made goody bags, Nicros overnighted me PumpRocks when I was feeling weak, Goal Zero hooked me up with a new battery for my rig, and I wouldn't even be here right now without Organic and, of course, The North Face. It's so hard to explain. I feel like Michael Phelps, or Shaun White. Like the whole world is watching and rooting for me as I go into finals at the Olympics. Of course I want to do this climb for me, but now I want to do it for all of you too. Thanks for all the extra motivation, everyone."

on the way

my new lucky charm from Spenser and Vikki @thervproject

#sts sticker

training on the PumpRocks

40% off training fuel