Day 4

I'm sitting under the boulder right now writing this, thinking not so positive thoughts. It just feels so hard today. Going into this, I knew I would have good days and bad days, but with the way progress was being made so quickly I sort of thought I'd just do it. I thought I would do it today. Instead I saw a regression. I'm frustrated I walked all the way up here. I can't waste precious skin on worthless attempts. The second move is the crux. I've done it. More than once. Today I wasn't even close.

I started out positive, my body felt alright, my skin was good. I was talking to myself before pulling on each time, "You can do this. You can do this." And then I failed miserably, over and over again, on the jump, coming off screaming in anger sometimes. Of course it felt good to scream. Did it make me get any higher? No.

With some mild form of last-ditch optimism I put my shoes on one last time and as I was grabbing the start holds thought, "What are you doing? You can't do this today." And that was that. It was over. I let go of the start holds, sat down, took my shoes off and packed up. Even if physically I could have done the climb today, mentally I had already failed. I had defeated myself.

I can get to the top of this, but anger, frustration and doubt are not going to get me there.

I know better.

I can not let myself be the reason for defeat.

I Have Arrived.

It's hard to explain the feeling I get stepping out of the trailer in the morning and into the Kmart parking lot and seeing Mt. Basin first thing. Calming seems to be a perfectly cliched way of putting it. But I think it's something more than that. Like it instills this fire in me. Passion maybe? Like I'm here for a reason. I finally have direction.

My brother drove out to California with me to climb and fish for a few days, but he has since flown home and I am here alone. There's a sort of sanctuary in the solitude. I'm sure I'll get lonely at some point, but it's Bishop... There's always someone around.

I enjoy it; life on the road alone. I'm on my own schedule and I go to whatever boulder tickles my fancy at any particular moment.

Right now, though, there's really only one boulder I feel like going to. I've been unexpectedly pleased with how it's been going, especially after losing fitness to rainy days in Font and being stuck in the car for three days.

Of course I was apprehensive towards it. But the last two days have changed that for me. Partly because I did better on it than I was expecting, but also because of this (here we go again) *calming* sensation I have being here.

I've been obsessing over this one climb all year and now I'm finally here. I can relax. All I have to do is do it!

I may not be the strongest I've ever been, but I'm so passionate about these eight moves on perfect patina that I think my motivation will be a huge factor in carrying me however far I get up this thing.

It sounds crazy that something so obscure can feel so helplessly all- encompassing. Why it matters I cannot express in words.

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. I know I'm going to bleed and scream and maybe even cry. But I know that here, in my sweatpants in my 1950s trailer in the Kmart parking lot surrounded by truckers writing by lantern-light with my BuddyHeater going, is exactly where I want to be.

I don't feel lost anymore.