AJ Tip #2

Is it time for another AJ Tip? I have yet to come up with a cleverer name... Trendy Tips. Top Notch Tips. Terrific Tips! (I'm biased.) ...I'm open for suggestions. Please!

Anyway, I've had another random thought I'd like to share with the class. This one benefits not only the lives and ankles of everyone reading this, but also me if I happen to make your acquaintance out at the boulders.

I am that super anal control-freak that will walk up to a boulder, no matter who's on it or whose gear is underneath it, and start rearranging crash pads. Yup. And guess what--you'll have to deal with it. Because if I'm going to climb on something, I want there to be as little risk of injury as possible. Um... Shouldn't we all feel that way???

I can't count the times I've walked up to a climb in horror, totally shocked that anyone is even still standing by the looks of the pad placements. Foam just thrown down randomly, gaps, holes, uneven surfaces. Why, people?? Why risk cutting your road trip short because you rolled your ankle on the edge of a mat?

For the love of your ankles, here is my method to making a baller landing.

1. Be a perfectionist. Even if your buddies have to wait an extra 45 seconds before they can jump on their proj, they'll thank you later. Or they won't, but your conscience will be clear.

2. Close all the gaps. Connect all the edges. Creating a solid landing zone is like putting a really big puzzle together. Find the best way all that your pieces fit while covering the most ground.

3. Invest in a seam sealer. Slider, Bubbler, whatever they call it, get one. A thing flat piece of foam to lay over the cracks that eat and spit out broken ankles.

4. Have an even surface. If you have enough foam to build a two-layer landing, RAD. If not, try to keep the surface as flat and even as possible. This could mean keeping a folded pad underneath an opened pad if there's a ledge, drop off, or bulging rock in the way. Also if your base covers a large area, but you have a larger pad for a second layer, put it right in the prospected fall zone. Try to avoid having a double-layered edge at all costs.

5. Constantly Re-Evaluate. The job is never over. Each time someone falls, things shift and move around, especially if you're on a hill. Keep pushing the pads together to close the gaps, rearrange your seam sealers, hide the buckles because those hurt to land on, too.

There you have it. I just saved all your ankles, and hundreds of dollars in hospital bills, and months of rehab. Go and be safe!!

AJ Tips! #1

I'm starting a thing! It's called "AJ Tips." But I'll probably change the name to something a little more creative, but for right now bear with the dumb name.

"AJ Tips/Other Cooler Name" will feature a random helpful climbing tip at random inconsistent times, whenever I think of a good one! Their purpose is to be helpful and insightful to new climbers, and experienced climbers trying to break out of a plateau. It'll be a smorgasbord of info. You'll just want to eat it up.

My first "AJ Tip" is one that I've been sitting on for months, saying over and over to people in person, and trying to think of a way to get this absolutely crucial info out there, and then holy crap! I remembered I have a blog.

So here it is:


NEW and YOUTH CLIMBERS SHOULD BE CLIMBING IN SOFT SHOES.


You're never going to learn to 'trust your rubber' or pull with your toes if your shoes are so stiff you can't even feel what you're standing on.

Even if the dude at the RockShop is trying to sell you stiff shoes, PLEASE listen to me, seriously!! I have been doing this for almost twenty years... You do NOT need that support right now! You NEED to be able to feel your footholds!

Eventually if you graduate to hard slabs or long multi-pitch routes stiff shoes will come in handy, fo-sho.

But if you're a brand new boulderer or sport climber or a kiddo, soft shoes are key. I've literally given my softer shoes away to new climbers who were climbing in bricks and struggling with footwork. They saw a difference immediately.

Now that you're figuratively wealthy with all this knowledge, a good, affordable soft shoe to start in is the Evolv Addict, just 99 bucks. But this isn't an advertisement, seriously, just get into some soft shoes.

Photo from the Instagram of young Sara Griffith

Why Psicocomp is the Best Competitive Climbing Event in North America

1. My Friends Are There! Did I say "friends"? I meant the most badass pro climbers in the game today, all in one place. Heck yes it's a good time!

 Epic Climber Girl Selfie!

Photo by Christine Bailey Speed

2. The Robes. We look like boxers walking up to the ring! Or in this case the wall. It unifies us and makes us feel like ballers. It's great to have something warm, dry, and easy to put on right after climbing out of the pool.

Emily Harrington watches while staying toasty warm. Photo by Susanica Tam.

3. The Hot Tub. Need I explain? Ok, fine. Climbing 5.13 is hard by itself. We get winded, then fall or jump into a cold pool, and have to swim in climbing shoes--which is NOT easy--to the side of the pool, and crawl out into the cool mountain air. Is there anything better than dipping into a hot tub to catch your breath? Nope.

Photo Scott Hallenberg

An Angie Payne original

4. The Venue. Outdoor arena, easy viewing, with stadium and hill-side seating. Thousands of spectators can pack into this place, and even the people way back on top of the hill can see the action. It's perfect.

Photos by Alton Richardson for Climbing Mag

Adrian Ballinger of Alpenglow Expeditions

 5. Format. Head-to-Head, bracket format. Just like middle school basketball. You lose you're out. While I got knocked out due to this format, it's comprehensible to the non-climber. It's fast-paced. As a competitive climber even I think watching climbing is boring. Two climbers racing head-to-head up a tall, powerful, dynamic route and falling into a pool? Now that's exciting! Great recap video from Park City TV here! --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_S2AqaJP1A&app=desktop

Scott Hallenberg Photo

6. Extreme Factor. Hello, see above. We fall 50 feet into a POOL.

Jake Bodkin Photo

7. Images.

Beau Kahler Photography from last year's event. Still the best Psicocomp image to date.

8. The Livestream. Couldn't make it to the event? Thanks to Louder Than Eleven you can watch it live online! Made it to the event but got thirsty and went out to the beer tent? No worries, there are TVs in the Sponsor Village showing the live footage.

Photo Aicacia Young

9. Meet the Pros/Poster Signings. Every kid's dream is to meet Chris Sharma. Every dude's dream is to meet Sasha DiGiulian. For an hour before the event you can get a poster from your favorite athletes and snap a pic with them before they get soggy.

10. The Wall is Open to the Public. That didn't look hard to you? Go try it yourself. $20 bucks.

Andrew Commander taking one for the citizens of Park City.

11. The Event Raised Over $10,000 for the Kuhmbu Climbing Center. Bet you didn't know that.

http://www.alpenglowexpeditions.com/blog/psicobloc-sherpa-and-north-side-everest

And there you have it, folks. Why I think the Psicocomp is the best climbing showcase event in North America.

The Ever-Overly Discussed Topic of Grades

Since the dawn of time, grades in climbing have always been a hot topic, and that, I expect, will never change. In your personal assessment of ability, they’re a great way to scale where you’re at and where you want to be. It’s always exciting to reach or exceed a certain benchmark, and feel accomplished.

I cannot express how intensely I feel that, although they are completely necessary, grades in climbing should be more personal. I most certainly am not saying that they shouldn’t hold as much weight as they do, because obviously they’re important in the growth of not only the sport, but the climber themselves, and seeing progression in any one climber in our sport is motivating.

But we take grades too seriously. I’m just as guilty as the next person. My desire is that we look at them a little more subjectively.

In this situation, for example, I’m thinking specifically of a great line in Red Rocks called Lethal Design.

I climbed Lethal Design back in 2012, and was awarded the coveted "first female ascent." Being that it was a relatively new climb when I did it, although it had been established for a while it didn’t seem to get much traffic, perhaps a consensus on the grade hadn’t yet been established. Since then a handful of girls and women have done it, and there have been murmurs of “soft” and “downgrade.”  Seeing that it got a bunch of traffic this past fall and winter, and expecting it will see even more traffic this coming fall and winter, I’d like to point out my thoughts on this climb specifically, while hopefully simultaneously covering most climbs in general.

The grade of a climb, in my opinion, is what you think it should be, based on your previous climbing experiences and style, your specific strengths and weaknesses. (If you're a great crimper, you will excel on crimp lines. That doesn't mean that they are "easier.") Although there is frequently a standard grade that goes along with any given climb, someone’s opinion on that grade could vary drastically. I still whole-heartedly agree that climbs need a consensus grade, but to what strict extent? I don’t agree with the trend of one person suggesting a downgrade, and everyone else immediately following suit, even, and especially, those who had previously done the climb and taken the initial grade it was given. “Oh, yes, it must be soft now, given that so-and-so thinks so.” Could it not be that people are just getting stronger?? Climbing is growing and the more people who participate the more mutant Chris and Daniels we’re going to have. Twenty years ago nobody could fathom 5.15a, and now look we’re up to 5.15c!!! And V16? Fred Nicole would have laughed in your face if you’d proposed such a preposterous number. Open your eyes. Climbs aren’t getting easier. We are getting stronger! Remember when V12 was the new V10? Well V14 is the new V12. For guys AND girls it seems.

I only implore everyone to be honest with themselves on what they think in their heart the grade of a climb could be. Whether it’s “soft,” “standard,” or “hard.” Or downgraded or upgraded. I’m also curious as to when upgrading became so shameful? There have been quite a few climbs I would've liked to upgrade, only to have been "guilted," so-to-speak, into conforming to the downgrading craze, for fear of being publicly scrutinized. It's happened before, trust me. 

Anyway, back to Lethal. My long-standing stance on grades in general has been that I don't understand them. I've often said that if I had to wipe the numbers clean my "hardest" sends (Clear Blue Skies V12, A Maze of Death V12) would no longer be at the top. But again--this is about Lethal. Like I said, this climb couldn’t have been more my style, so naturally I did it a little faster than other ascents around difficulty. Now foreigners have done it, dudes have flashed it, and like clockwork, the murmur of The Downgrade commences. I believe that this instance purely comes down to style. Perhaps, since the holds are thin and the line is crimpy, it is indeed suited for female hands. That doesn’t mean that the movements aren’t difficult or make the line itself easier. Just style-dependent.

Take, for another example, Lethal’s sister line on the boulder, Book of Nightmares, just thirty-odd feet to the right, to date, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Thuggy and powerful, but also finicky and technical, this climb to me couldn’t be more V12. Yet quite a few logged ascents online call it “soft” or V11. Get ready for the big reveal: These comments mean absolutely NOTHING to me. I no longer bow to the downgrading kings. Book of Nightmares is the hardest thing I’ve ever climbed and to me it’s the difficulty of V12. Lethal Design is the hardest thing someone else has ever climbed, and to them it’s V12. While on the same difficulty plane, they could not be more different. (This could all be solved by over-complicating the grading scale by adding styles into the mix; Crimpy V12, Compression V12, Roof V12, Dyno V12, etc., but who wants to deal with all of that?!)

Anyway, all I’m saying is that next time you feel like following the cool-kid crowd by jumping on the downgrading bandwagon, consider what you truly think the grade of that climb really is, based on your style and experiences, not just because everyone else is doing it. Also think about if it’s really that important to take it from a “V12a” to a "V11d." Because to someone, that line could be the hardest thing they’ve ever done, and they could have worked their ass off for it.

Lethal Design in Red Rock Canyon. Photo by Ben Spannuth.

Just Another Post About Fear

I know this isn't an original topic. It's actually a very popular one, having been written about before, numerous times. Emily Harrington and Shauna Coxsey have both tackled it, as did Steph Davis. Now I'm giving it a shot. Bear with me in the beginning here, I'm just making a comparison.

Every time Fritz moves in her bed in the middle of the night I bolt upright, heart racing, reaching for the baseball bat, or the pepper spray, recent purchases of course, thinking that someone has broken in--again.

It's gripping and controlling. As soon as the sun goes down the inside of my apartment is lit up like a Christmas tree, but still I don't sleep through the night. They did it once, they could do it again, so easily. All it takes is a fire extinguisher through the window and they can walk through my house as they please.

I can't move out; I signed a lease. But what happens if they come again? Would I hide? Where, under my bed? Please. Fritz barks like a damn rabid raccoon at the most subtle of sounds, she'd give us away in a heartbeat. Nope, I've decided to stay and defend my home. It's events like this that make you realize your fight or flight tendencies. In this circumstance it looks like fight.

Why is it not the same for sport climbing??

I'm up on my second climb of the day, still in the "warming up" process, and I'm getting a little pumped. Do I take? Or make another move, proverbial fingers crossed the next hold is good enough and my foot doesn't slip. What if the next hold sucks? What if my foot slips? I could fall weird, get my leg stuck behind the rope, twist around and hit my back or my head, or slam into the rock and break both my ankles. Nope, not gonna risk it--TAKE.

I'm so hesitant, overthinking every move that seems just a little "sketchy," moving slow and overly-cautious, clenching my eyes and waiting for the worst. Any move where I need to be even a little dynamic, or can't have my feet directly under me, my confidence vanishes without warning, thoughts of falling in the worst way possible uncontrollably flashing through my head. I'm climbing sloppily, over gripping, my feet are slipping, until complete panic sets in. I can't control my breathing, I'm too pumped to clip, and I have it in my head that falling just isn't an option. Quickdraws become my favorite clipping jugs. Relieved that I'm "no longer in danger" but frustrated with myself for letting fear hold me back, yet again. I've climbed V10 highball boulders for Pete's sake, why am I taking on 5.12a??

Not only did I 'take' in the middle of this route, I couldn't even finish it. I left my draws, got lowered and didn't climb for the rest of the day.

I'm afraid of falling. Obviously.

I'm not worried I'll hit the ground, that's not it. I hit the ground bouldering pretty often, actually 100% of the time. So what is it?? What is paralyzing me and holding me back so drastically?

I posed this question on my Facebook page and received some insightful and entertaining replies. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but it felt great to know that I was definitely not alone. A lot of the feedback stated that the fear comes and goes, there are good days and bad days, and a few practice whips will put me right back in the game. I decided to post some of my favorites below.

Mike I think it has something to do with gravity

Landen once a rope is attached to me, I look like I have Parkinson's.

Andrea DiGiulian I'm afraid of Sasha falling all the time!!

Claire Yes falling is SCARY!!!! Take a small amount of Xanax you'll be fine

Sean Everytime i tie in it's like Ive forgotten how to climb.

Alton I have MAJOR issues with as well. And yet we can highball comfortably in Bishop? Whats our deal?!

Michael dive into something that requires you to think more about the moves than anything else. that's where fall consequences take a back seat. get psyched on something and it'll dissipate.

John Yes. The fear can swell up and make your legs Elvis, make you hold your breath. That weakens your strength, turns out not just your lungs need oxygen. The mental struggle is what all climbers have. Whether it's a climber on a 5/8 to a climber on a 5/15, to help control your fear. You can train your body and make it stronger than you have ever been. The fear can still grab you and turn you mushy. Calmness in the face of adversity, is a great asset. Self confidence is a asset. You need to have a swagger. Eventually you can will yourself past it. Trust the skill of your belayer. Trust the gear. Try not to think about the bolts in the rock. My Coach John Myrick would say, do you need a straw? Why. So you can suck it up.

Brent I once hated falling!Pumped as shit and chicken winging like crazy just to hang on and not fall. Machine gun "takes" (take take take take take!!!) one foot above my last clip. Lol

Now days, mostly laughter with a huge sigh of relief follows. Oh yea, and a smile! It's only bc we lose sight of the moment and start think about the future. Which you have no control over. We "expect" something. The best and least scary ones come when an unexpected foot blows or a hold breaks. Nothing you can "control" there. Silly boulder-ers. Climb to the top, slap the chains, and "WHIP IT, WHIP IT GOOD"!

Oh and trust your knot before you leave the ground! Derrr.

Mary I was terrified for a really long time, but that's because I would stop and overthink a certain move and wouldn't continue if I thought I would fall. It got to a point where I wouldn't lead a 5.7 when I consistently could toprope 11+. It definitely is a mental issue that you can't let control you.

Justin It happened to me so much when I started sport climbing. Something that helped me was to get on stuff that was harder than I could really climb. You know you're gunna fall and you just work on when and how. If it's falling at the crux it just helps cause I'll fall over and over again and gradually you are a little more confident in falling. You got this, the hard part for you will be finding routes outside your grade. ;)

Jennifer It's not the fear of falling it's the mistrust between you and your equipment. Or plummeting to your death. I just experienced an Alex Honnold moment, as I like to call it, last weekend. My boyfriend told me to sing to myself. So I did! I started singing Miley Cyrus We can Do What We Want To because it was a running joke with my friends while we were all on Alaskan adventure. I was able to calm my nerves and climb my first 5.9 and come 6ft from completing my first 5.10b. It was amazing!

Colin Alex - This same thing is happening to me. The weird thing is that I used to be able push myself until I fell. It scared me to fall of course but it wasn't a huge deal. Now suddenly, for what reason I don't know, I've dropped two grades off my norm this year and have bailed off several climbs I normally would try and push through because I'm terrified that I'm going to fall. Please share any insight you come across. And thank you for sharing your fears for the rest of us to see we're not the only ones.

Savannah Yes. We are afraid of the consequences from falling, at least that's what I am afraid of. I often fear that something will happen like my leg getting stuck behind the rope or I slam into the wall, etc. I don't think I fear falling... I just fear what could happen if it were to go wrong. Fear of the unknown is such a bitch... It affects all aspects of my life! I guess it's one of those things you have to learn to just let go of... Know that whatever happens happens for a reason.

As you can see, I got some pretty funny ones, and am grateful for the helpful ones. So many people validated my fears and offered advice. I was also gaining more insights into my own head by reading the explanations of others. Honestly, I've been so lucky to have never taken a really bad fall. My fear was purely mental, and my hesitant climbing was making everything worse. Second guessing my capabilities could cause an even more dangerous fall.

I figured I'd try again. I went back up to the crag. I was so determined not to be afraid. My plan was to practice falling and feign confidence; which is usually my advice to pretty much everyone who asks: act like a badass. Even if you don't feel like one, fake it. Eventually if you fake it long enough you'll start to believe it.

I warmed up on a climb in the 5.11 range, got about six clips up, made a few more moves, and pressed away from the wall. I fell about a whopping four feet. Pulled back on, went a few moves higher this time, and same thing--another mellow, soft little fall. I did this four or five times, each time I climbed a little higher and fell a little further. I was starting to feel pretty good about it.

Then I got on that same 12a that I 'took' on. I feigned my confidence the entire way up that thing, punching through the moves, not even thinking twice about what might happen if I pitched off, and I soon found myself clipping the chains.

Time to test this theory on something harder! I chose an exposed arete with an overhanging crux and a tenuous finish. I made my way up to the crux and went for it, with gusto, falling multiple times, and not little falls, either! Powering through, I found myself clipping the chains on this one as well, and even though I didn't send, I felt relieved and proud to have pushed through this mental block I've been having with sport climbing for the past few months. Today was the first day I felt like a rock climber in a long time.

I wasn't expecting my "results" to completely 180, and I'm still not. Of course I know there'll be good days and bad days, and some days I'll be terrified again. But to have just one day where I felt normal again has made this whole thing worth it.

Thanks to everyone who posted for making me feel human, sharing your stories, giving advice, and making me laugh.

Good luck!

Vail 2014

Vail happened. Yes, I was there, I competed, and I tried to try hard. My heart wanted it, but my body didn't feel like cooperating. On Friday I ended up in 26th place, the worst I've placed, ever. And I don't know why.

To some people it may have looked like I didn't care. Those who know me, know I hide behind humor. Was I upset? Frustrated? Angry? Sad? Embarrassed? Of course, who wouldn't be? When you commit any part of your life and self to something and it doesn't work out, of course you'd be upset. Did I cry? You bet. Did I throw something? Yup. Did anyone see me do these things? No. That doesn't mean they didn't happen. On the public stage I kept it together (somewhat) smiling and chatting with the judges, but also throwing my hands up in frustration when I couldn't do something I know I'm physically capable of. Again--who wouldn't be frustrated?

But why? Why couldn't I do those climbs? The ones I did do, why did it takes so many tries? That's how competition climbing goes I guess. I don't know. I keep thinking of a hundred possible reasons: Was it the altitude? Did I drink enough water? Did I sleep enough? Eat enough? Was it the five hours in iso? Am I about to be on the rag? (Sorry dudes.) All possible reasons, I suppose, but why make excuses? It's over now. I did everything right during the six weeks leading up to Friday. I changed my diet, I went to LA and trained on plastic, campused, did 4x4s, ran, lifted weights. Obviously I took this event seriously and to think otherwise would be ignorant. 

I act like I don't care because it doesn't hurt as much.

That's as high as I got on that boulder...

I know I sound melodramatic, but it's hard not to think of the weekend as a complete bust. You spend all that money traveling for what, twenty-five minutes of climbing? Ahhh! Anyway.

Of course I loved seeing everyone, and had a great time hanging out with my friends. They're funny! My consolation prize was commentating finals, which I really enjoy, and some of the performances in finals were insane! Little Megan Mascarenas put up a great fight representing as the only American in finals, and that was exciting.

In the end, yeah I was bummed, duh. But it's just another climbing comp, right? And 26th is better than 27th... And hopefully some people still think I'm cool.

The Big Move

Newsflash: I moved to Las Vegas!

Actually this is probably old news to most of you. But I absolutely love living here, for countless reasons. This year so far has been the busiest of my life, and it looks like it's only getting busier. Here's what I've been up to the last few weeks:

March 27th: I filmed my "Birthday Challenge" with The RV Project. I was the guinea pig for the first episode. My challenge was to climb 25 sport pitches, and any number of boulder problems adding up to 25 stars. (Climbs aren't just graded on difficulty, they're also graded on quality, i.e. the star system. Usually the highest honor a world class line can achieve in most guidebooks is four stars, in the Vegas guidebook the maximum is three.) It was a long day in a tight corridor filled with people, but I was able to crush out 25 routes in about seven or eight hours, and just barely had enough gas to get 25 stars. My birthday challenge will be their first episode, coming out soon!

April 3rd: After my epic day of endurance training, I decided to test out my fitness at USA Climbing's SCS Nationals at Sender One in LA. Yeah, that tanked, haha. I ended up in an impressive 20th place, actually five places better than my qualifying performance at ABS Nationals in February...hmm. Eh, well, it was a blast to hang out with the girls and climb on that pretty ice cream cone wall.

After the event I got to check out the Evolv Sports headquarters and even try my hand at making a climbing shoe. I'm pretty sure it went straight to the trash, and if not, I apologize to whomever gets it. Making shoes is HARD!

It was a good time anyway. I even got to rock climb and surf before coming home to Vegas! And then I was onto the next chapter of my travels this year...

The Best V9 I've Ever Done

What I meant was the five best V9's I've ever done. These are the climbs I can't stop thinking about. Personally, V9 is my favorite grade in bouldering. Firstly because I have a thing for odd numbers. Secondly, V9 is the level at which I can usually expect success, but have to try hard to achieve it. Not my limit, but challenging nonetheless. I believe I can go anywhere in the world and climb a V9. Except Fontainebleau, I couldn't climb shit there. I don't know, I just love V9's. They're the perfect grade. Anyway, here are my favorite V9's of all-time!!

1. "Luminance" Bishop, California

Huge, beautiful granite block sitting on the east side of the Sierra Nevada mountain range. Beginning on an obvious start, overhanging with friendly holds, consistently difficult, tall, committing and exciting.

2. "Molunk" Brione Switzerland

Perfect granite edges spaced perfectly apart on gorgeous stone with a flat landing.

3. "Tilt Shift" Red Rocks, Nevada

A tall, free-standing boulder on a red and tan cliffside yielding sandstone rails with a physically challenging, technical intro section leading up to a foot-cutting dyno and a heady mantle.

4. "Heart of Darkness" Yosemite Valley, California

Three huge moves between Yosemite granite edges. (Climber: Dave Mason.)

5. "Nine Lives" Chattanooga, Tennessee

A long, power-endurance climb starting on a jug, moving through crimpy sandstone rails with a middle deadpoint and a casual top-out.

There you have it; my most beloved climbs at the V9 level. I'm open to suggestions of honorable mentions, I'm always looking to fatten up this list...

The End

It looks like the season of #siegingtheswarm is over in Bishop. I'm watching the weather from Vegas and keeping my fingers crossed for a random cold front to roll through, but as of now I have emotionally checked out. It really wore on me to be so close to sending, and then gradually do worse and worse on it each day that went by. My assumption is that I was so focused on trying this one specific project that I got tunnel vision. I worked the same two moves over and over again for two months and didn't try anything else and it ultimately made me weaker. There were two days where I fell off after the crux; I was doing it! I should have sent! And every time after that I walked up there I felt pressured and anxious that I would blow it or feel off. I got in my own head and psyched myself out. No bueno! I've learned so much through this process. I'm going to have fun climbing again, enjoy living in Las Vegas, maybe train a little, and go back in the fall and give her hell.

Failure

Disclaimer: The following is not positive. It's honest.

I failed today. What else is new, right? It's rock climbing, all we do is fall. Take this as you will but I'm not used to failing. This is my first time projecting something, mostly because I'm impatient. When I want something I want it immediately, anyone who knows me will tell you that. This climb eludes me. I can't have it immediately.

I'm learning a lot through this process, and when I say "I failed" I don't mean physically, because I felt strong today. It was all in my head. I lost my mental game and it shut me out. I used to walk up to this climb ad feel relaxed, refreshed and calm. Now I walk up feeling anxious and overthinking moves.

Time feels like it's fighting against me. I've been in Bishop for over six weeks yet I've had only nine days on the boulder. I keep having to leave town. I come back and get one or two climbing days and then I have to leave again. My season here has been so interrupted I feel like I need to make every single attempt count and when I can't do that I lose it emotionally, I get angry. This climb was something I was initially so inspired by, and excited about and now it's the biggest frustration in my life. Boo hoo, right? Poor pro climber living the life can't get up their boulder problem. But it's more than that. I've invested everything I am in this. It's not "just rock climbing" anymore. It means something to me I can't describe. And failing hurts.

Thanks

From today.

"I just pulled up to the parking area. I'm about to head up to try but I feel like I need to get this out now: I have this swelling sense of pride, happiness, and gratitude for so much right now. I feel so supported, by my friends, the community, my sponsors. It's like I have an army of people up there with me even when I'm there alone. It's an amazing feeling that I've never really felt before. I mean, I kind of get it with competitions, but then the weekend is over, and that's it. This is different. This has been weeks of  positive notes, comments and messages; people walking up there with me just so I have some company. My sponsors have been even more supportive than usual, J-Tree made #SiegingTheSwarm stickers, Gnarly made goody bags, Nicros overnighted me PumpRocks when I was feeling weak, Goal Zero hooked me up with a new battery for my rig, and I wouldn't even be here right now without Organic and, of course, The North Face. It's so hard to explain. I feel like Michael Phelps, or Shaun White. Like the whole world is watching and rooting for me as I go into finals at the Olympics. Of course I want to do this climb for me, but now I want to do it for all of you too. Thanks for all the extra motivation, everyone."

on the way

my new lucky charm from Spenser and Vikki @thervproject

#sts sticker

training on the PumpRocks

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Day 4

I'm sitting under the boulder right now writing this, thinking not so positive thoughts. It just feels so hard today. Going into this, I knew I would have good days and bad days, but with the way progress was being made so quickly I sort of thought I'd just do it. I thought I would do it today. Instead I saw a regression. I'm frustrated I walked all the way up here. I can't waste precious skin on worthless attempts. The second move is the crux. I've done it. More than once. Today I wasn't even close.

I started out positive, my body felt alright, my skin was good. I was talking to myself before pulling on each time, "You can do this. You can do this." And then I failed miserably, over and over again, on the jump, coming off screaming in anger sometimes. Of course it felt good to scream. Did it make me get any higher? No.

With some mild form of last-ditch optimism I put my shoes on one last time and as I was grabbing the start holds thought, "What are you doing? You can't do this today." And that was that. It was over. I let go of the start holds, sat down, took my shoes off and packed up. Even if physically I could have done the climb today, mentally I had already failed. I had defeated myself.

I can get to the top of this, but anger, frustration and doubt are not going to get me there.

I know better.

I can not let myself be the reason for defeat.

I Have Arrived.

It's hard to explain the feeling I get stepping out of the trailer in the morning and into the Kmart parking lot and seeing Mt. Basin first thing. Calming seems to be a perfectly cliched way of putting it. But I think it's something more than that. Like it instills this fire in me. Passion maybe? Like I'm here for a reason. I finally have direction.

My brother drove out to California with me to climb and fish for a few days, but he has since flown home and I am here alone. There's a sort of sanctuary in the solitude. I'm sure I'll get lonely at some point, but it's Bishop... There's always someone around.

I enjoy it; life on the road alone. I'm on my own schedule and I go to whatever boulder tickles my fancy at any particular moment.

Right now, though, there's really only one boulder I feel like going to. I've been unexpectedly pleased with how it's been going, especially after losing fitness to rainy days in Font and being stuck in the car for three days.

Of course I was apprehensive towards it. But the last two days have changed that for me. Partly because I did better on it than I was expecting, but also because of this (here we go again) *calming* sensation I have being here.

I've been obsessing over this one climb all year and now I'm finally here. I can relax. All I have to do is do it!

I may not be the strongest I've ever been, but I'm so passionate about these eight moves on perfect patina that I think my motivation will be a huge factor in carrying me however far I get up this thing.

It sounds crazy that something so obscure can feel so helplessly all- encompassing. Why it matters I cannot express in words.

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. I know I'm going to bleed and scream and maybe even cry. But I know that here, in my sweatpants in my 1950s trailer in the Kmart parking lot surrounded by truckers writing by lantern-light with my BuddyHeater going, is exactly where I want to be.

I don't feel lost anymore.